The Hand of God

God slapped me once.  He slapped me when I was about 8 years old.  I was in the backseat of my mom's friend's car.  My mom's friend was driving, she was in the passenger seat and my best friend was leaning forward in between the two front seats.  So that left me, all alone in the corner of the back seat.  I guess I was being sarcastic or obnoxious as one can be at that age and my mom's friend said, "If you don't stop the hand of God is gonna come down and slap you".  I probably replied something along the lines of "God is too busy to slap me!" and then as if on cue I felt a hard slap to the back of the head.  Shocked I screamed, "Who did that!?" to which everyone in the car was like "What are you talking about?"  I swore up and down that I had just been slapped and I demanded to know who did it.  It was really not possible for any of them to have been able to slap me.  They all laughed at me and continued to laugh at me as I sulked the rest of the drive.  Quietly.  

Being a Catholic we were always getting threatened by God's wrath but slapping?  God never slapped my brother when, after his alter boy duties, we would come home to find him sitting on the couch watching cartoons and eating a bag of communion host like they were potato chips. He never slapped my Grandmother when she would say "Fah Christsakes!" after a good portion of her sentences.  He never slapped any of us when, mimicking the Exorcist, we would scream, "The Body of Christ compels me!" when doing something we really weren't supposed to be doing.  Getting slapped by God made such an impression on me that I think I have lived the better part of my life trying to do things that would make God want to slap me again.  Nothing terrible like clubbing baby seals or voting Republican but little things like buying my brother a shirt with a picture of God on an ATV with the caption "God on a Quad".  Or prank phone calling people pretending to be the Devil.  Or emphasizing my laughing at someone's misfortune by pointing.  Or shaking my fists towards the heavens when my cable goes out during my favorite show. Or buying a Jesus action figure that glides, arms outstretched and palms up, on wheels across the room and laughing hysterically whenever we did it chanting "Through him, with him, in him".  Or trying to erase the chalk house blessing on my neighbors door because, personally, I think my neighbor deserves to be haunted.  The list goes on.  But so far nothing I've done has warranted another slap from God.  Maybe he was feeling giddy that day and just thought it might be fun to screw with a little kid's psyche.  When I reach the Pearly Gates I can ask him about it, although my dad says I'm definitely gonna get turned away before I even get near them.  I think the quote was "I hope you're okay with eternal swelter". Whatever the reason, I will harp on it for the rest of my life. Because it happened.  I swear to...um...God!

Hope you are all enjoying the snow today.  I hope this weather gets better before I gotta go to work tomorrow.  The subway is gonna be a mess fah christsakes!